Is Adoption a Fad?

Last week someone told me that they think adoption is a fad.  To give you some context, this person was not referring to a particular church or community, but to the church at large.  I have been thinking about it ever since.  It hit me the wrong way in the midst of the conversation, but I didn't really know how to respond at the time.  But I have mulled it over.  Perhaps this person would amend that sentence in the context of our conversation, had I been able to flesh it out at the time.  But I would like to go over the issue here.  Is adoption a fad?

Fad, defined:  a temporary fashion, notion, manner of conduct, etc., especially one followed enthusiastically by a group.


Like wearing M.C. Hammer pants.  It's suddenly cool and hot to do no matter who you are, but soon after it falls out of style, and you look back at pictures of yourself doing it and exclaim, "What was I thinking?"  (For the record, I did not own M.C. Hammer pants).


There is no doubt that the Christian church is paying more attention of late to the issues of social justice.  The causes of orphans, widows, and the poor are popular right now.  Books are being written, conferences are being held, and moneys are being raised that focus solely on these issues.  It is hard for me to evaluate the popularity of adoption specifically because our family now pays regular attention to the topic.


I don't know the reasons why each church is doing what it's doing.  Perhaps there are churches out there that have gotten so caught up in these issues that they are becoming imbalanced.  But it seems to me that the church at large is realizing that we're not doing so hot toward the least of these and attempting to do something about it.


Isn't that a good thing?


I wonder what Jesus would have said if someone walked up to him and said, "Lord, orphan and widow care is becoming a craze!"


Adoption and foster care are growing in popularity.  Maybe it's becoming the "cool thing to do" in the Christian community.  Perhaps there are some people signing up for it because it's popular and they have mistaken or fairy tale notions about it.  Maybe people who "shouldn't be adopting" are signing up.  These things are probably happening, but most likely to a rare degree.


But orphans are getting families.  And if the church is making it popular to obey the call of Christ to care for orphans, widows, and the poor, why are we quick to find fault?


I am guilty of the same tendency of wanting to put down what others are excited about.  If there's a book that everyone is slap-happy over and it's selling like hotcakes, I will often get it and read it with a certain mindset.  My goal is to figure out what is wrong with it.  If it's popular, there's surely something wrong with it, and I'm going to figure it out, and point it out as frequently and adamantly as I can.  Because I am so smart and discerning, you see.  The great thing about this process is that as soon as I find out what is wrong it it, I can excuse myself of everything that is right with it.  "This book is not BALANCED!  This book did not address X, Y, or Z!  This book could be misinterpreted by less intelligent Christians than Me!"  I proclaim.  Therefore, I am exempt of all conviction.  I could have fit in so well with those Pharisees cross-examining popular Jesus.


I, for one, hope that adoption is not a fad.  I hope its popularity makes it a PERMANENT and COMMON reality ENTHUSIASTICALLY carried out by the church.  No, not everyone is called to adopt.  But we are all called to care for the poor, widow, and orphan.  Why not do so with great gusto and enthusiasm to bring glory to our God?  And I would hope that as our brothers and sisters in America get fired up about these issues, our first reaction is to praise the Lord, not wonder what is wrong and hope the issues will move along soon.  Like M.C. Hammer pants.

One Month Later

We have been home for over a month.  Life doesn't feel normal yet, but it is getting there.  We are all still adjusting, learning, sinning, and repenting.  It is amusing how some assume that we're sitting around on Cloud 9, constantly marveling over our new addition, lost in a joyous wonder.  Isn't that how we always think it is for new parents?  In reality, they spend a lot more time being nervous, sleep-deprived, and stressed out.  That is how it has been for me.  Sometimes I can stop to ponder the wonder of it all---that after two years, Caedmon is home.  It is a miracle.  I do give thanks, but I rarely feel as blissful as I thought I would.  Most of the time I am just trying to find a way to communicate, figure out when I am supposed to get to the laundry, or talk to my girls about patience and kindness.

Caedmon has been through so much, and continues to go through it.  He spent most of his life in a single room with some toys and some children.  There was nothing to fall off of, nothing to get into, nothing to move around.  Even our small house is a huge new world to him, let alone going out.  I started thinking today about all the things that he has learned (and still learning) in one short month.  Here are a few:

• How to get off furniture without bashing your head on the ground
• How to drink out of a sippy cup
• Which drawers are OK to get into & which aren't
• When to be quiet
• When screaming is acceptable
• How to be content when no one is entertaining you
• The sounds of the microwave, stove, phone, etc.
• How to pet the cat
• Bedtime/nap routines
• How to wait for food
• How to stop eating food, even when there is more
• How to sit and read books
• Shopping cart & stroller & high chair protocol
• How to put up with your big sisters

A lot of these are still in process.  But to be practicing all these skills on top of learning a new language, totally new people, new food, and new places (not to mention being forced to take extremely disgusting medicine three times a day), talk about overload!  Everything is new, and there are "firsts" continually.  All things considered, Caedmon is doing wonderfully.  He uses signs and can say about 10 words; every day it seems like he understands us more.  He eats and sleeps like a champ.  He likes to climb, wrestle, move furniture, go on car rides, and be carried in the Ergo.  And today, I saw some obedience (start the Hallelujah chorus).

Unfortunately, I soon forget "all things considered," and am still easily overwhelmed.  We have a lot of meltdown days, when if I want to get something done (say, feed the family), I have to do it with a 25 pound baby strapped to me.  There are many struggles not on the list above, both with myself and the girls, and I have not been the mother I hoped to be.  The last few weeks have revealed my selfish heart.  My kingdom is not coming, and it has thrown me for a loop.  I see myself in Caedmon, and I see my inability to love the like Father has loved me.  It is a double whammy that has landed me in a dark place of depression on more than one occasion.  I have never uttered the phrase I can't do it with such conviction.  I can't.  Apart from him I can do nothing.  I am thankful to be laid low in order to learn what it means to abide in Christ, and to learn what it means to forsake my own agenda done in my own strength.

Clinging to this promise:  God is able to make ALL grace abound to you, so that in ALL things at ALL times you have ALL that you need.  2 Corinthinas 9:8.  Thankful that he is faithful!

Operation Wesner

Our good friends Steve and Evie Wesner are ADOPTING!  We are so glad to celebrate with them as they begin their paperchase for the America World Ethiopia program!  HIP HIP HOORAY!  


We just shut down our Just Love coffee store.  If you love orphan coffee (and if you don't, I question your taste), be sure to head on over to their store to continue your subscription.  Just go to their blog and click on the Just Love logo.  We are so excited for them!


Things here in our cave are going well.  Caedmon has handled all the change in his life so well.  Every day is a struggle for patience and wisdom as we seek to nurture and love him; at the same time he is a toddler who needs boundaries and discipline, but has never had either.  He grew up in a room with some toys and a mattress and was rarely told NO.  His inner voice says little but "Fend for Thyself!!"  Now he has a wonderful world of toilets, toilet paper, trash cans, etc, etc, etc (why are toddlers drawn to everything they shouldn't be messing with?).  So it is hard to know what battles to fight and what to let go for now.  


We have ventured to the store, and although his Shopping Cart Manners leave something to be desired, he handled the change of scenery very well.  He is also sleeping well, which helps so much.  I even got to sleep in my own Precious Bed last night.  You can picture me petting my pillow and speaking to it like Gollum.  That's kind of how I feel about my bed.  Caedmon loves his sisters and they are handling the change very well, although the Eldest is very uptight about dirty diapers, drool, and snot, which we have in abundance...or, I should say, which Caedmon has in abundance.  The girls love to be the ones chosen to give Caedmon his bottle or feed him a meal.  We are super duper thankful that Caedmon finally allowed Jason to hold him, feed him a bottle, and comfort him when he was upset.  That was a big weight off my back!


The biggest battles we fight, however, are with our own sin, which seems to get in the way more than anything else.  It is amazing how much selflessness this process has required of us.  Only God can do this work of bonding our hearts to Caedmon's and Caedmon's heart to us.  Only He can help us teach Caedmon what it means to be our son.  We are thankful that God has given us this great privilege of being Caedmon's parents and trust that He will give us everything we desperately need to do it well.

I was struck with the truth of this poem based on 1 Corinthians 13 from this blog.  It describes my struggle to love my new son.  Thank you for your prayers!  And now I bid you adeiu, because someone just brought me his blanket, which means it's snuggle time.

Love is easy until...

It demands from me patience,

Until it demands from a me kind attitude,

Every day, every time, over and over again.

Love is easy until...

It calls me not to envy,

Or boast.

Love is easy until...

It demands from me humility,

And not arrogance.

It is easy until it doesn't call me

To ask for forgiveness, 

And set aside all rudeness.

Love is easy until...

It demands that I should die,

That I should not insist on my own way of doing things.

It is easy until it calls me to leave aside

my own "rights" for the sake of the ones I love.

Love is easy until...

It demands self control from me,

Until it calls me not to be irritable,

Until it calls me not to be resentful.

Love is easy until...

It demands that I should not rejoice at any wrongdoing,

It is easy until it calls me to love truth,

Even though this would mean admitting 

That I am wrong.

Love is easy until...

It demands from me to bear all things,

yes, all things,

every one of them.

Love is easy until...

It demands from me to believe all things,

To Hope all things,

To Endure all things.

This is the only kind of love that never ends.

Home

Caedmon is finally home.  


We are so thankful.  God was so kind to us in answering our prayers, especially the desperate ones.  There were some really LOW points since we picked up Caedmon - some times when I thought I really, honestly could not survive another minute.  It has been a long time since I felt so utterly helpless in the face of a trail.  But God is good.  We did survive.  And I am thankful that he not only helped us survive, but has forgiven us for the sins we have committed in the last week.  Because this thing called adoption is messy and HARD.  Caedmon is a mess.  And we are sinners.  We do not have the perfect love of our heavenly father - a love that is patient and kind no matter how much of a mess I am.  And I am humbled to find out just how NOT like my Father I can truly be.


I don't know about this blog or the purpose of continuing it.  I want to magnify the Lord in what he does in our son's life, but a blog is not the place to share intimate details of our family struggles.  I suddenly realized how foolish it was of me to put Caedmon's full name on the internet for the whole world to see.  That was really stupid.  And even though I love writing and sharing this journey, from now on if this blog continues, it might be vague.  I am happy to share details one-on-one.


Suffice it to say that Caedmon was raised in an orphanage.  And it is stamped all over the way he thinks, sleeps, eats, moves, and relates.  We are still discovering things about Caedmon that have been shaped by where he has been.  Think about yourself when you were freshly saved.  You were still really worldly, right?  Well, the same holds true for C.  He is our son, but he is not thinking or acting very much like it.  And what is required of us is that patient, self-sacrificing love that can look through the mess and wait for the good fruit that will come from being loved in our family.  Please pray for us.


Thank you to everyone who has prayed and supported us through this whole thing.  We need it still.  

Gotcha Day

Hello, blogger.  I'm glad you decided to join us in Addis this time.

Hello, barking dogs.  I've missed you.

Hello, jet lag.  I woke up at 12:30 and 2:30 fully convinced it was an appropriate time to be awake.  Please join me tomorrow afternoon when I will be swearing the day should be over.

Hello, everyone at home.  We are happy and excited to be home again in Addis. God blessed our flights---they were on time, and none of our luggage got lost.  We had a three hour layover in Istanbul, then got into Addis at 1AM.  I could hardly contain my joy.  When I stepped off the plane, some Ethiopian janitor looked at me and said, "Salem," and I could have hugged him.  Arriving in the middle of the night was so relaxing; there were fewer people and the parking lot was missing its giant mob of men waiting to swarm all over your luggage.  

The next morning we went to the transition home to get Caedmon.  

I have an urge to protect Caedmon's privacy, so I'm not going to go into details.  Let's just say it was very traumatic for him, and that he was very distressed for a long time.  It was really hard on all of us.  

I was positive that he was going to cry until he fell asleep for the night.  Finally, I sort of forced him to let me sit down.  My back was aching from holding him all day, and he only got more upset every time I sat down somewhere.  We sat on the bed together and gradually he relaxed.  After another stretch of time (the whole day felt like forever), he was looking into my eyes.  Then he let me change him into his pajamas.  And began smiling.

After that he was more of himself.  He finally ate something, acted interested in all his toys, and began toddler demolition on the room.  We quickly had to baby proof nearly everything.  

Putting Caedmon to sleep for the first time was such a blessing.  He was relaxed and is (as of now, 3:00 AM) sleeping well.  He has a congested cough that doesn't seem to bother him, but keeps us awake.  And the crib they gave us has extremely short sides and wheels that don't lock.  So we are kind of paranoid that he's going to stand up and fall on his head.  That is enough, combined with the jet lag, to make us fully awake at 3 AM and want to do something like type up a blog.

Tomorrow morning we have an embassy appointment and we have to bring Caedmon.  I really, really don't want to take him anywhere and scare him again.  But we don't have an option.  Please pray that God would give Caedmon peace.  This process has already been much harder than we imagined.  We are so thankful for all of your prayers!

P.S.  No pictures this trip until we get home.  I forgot my camera cord.

Donations

Just a note to say that we are maxed out on physical donations.  THANK YOU!  


Our schedule on Sunday (as in, three days from now):


1.  Wake up.
2.  Freak out.
3.  Go to church.
4.  Fellowship luncheon.
5.  Jason preaching.
6.  Drive to Chicago.
7.  Get on a plane.


Holy smokes!  We can't believe this is actually happening.  GOD IS SO GOOD!!

Attachment

WE CLEARED EMBASSY!  WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  As of right now, we are still trying to figure out when we can blow this popsicle stand and get Caedmon.


I have tried to write this post several times and have failed miserably.  It is such a big topic that I'm not sure what to say and what not to say.  

Here is the gist of it:  Bringing an adopted child into a family poses its own unique challenges that are usually totally absent from having biological babies.  You don't have to teach your own children, for example, what it means to be in a family.  You don't have to teach them what a mother or father is, how they are good things, and how to trust them.  All that comes naturally because that's how God wired us.

Caedmon's wiring has been rerouted to living nursery-style.  He is not attached to any certain nanny.  No one stays more than one day to hang out with him, so there is no attachment to an adult.  He fends for himself; if he wants to play with a certain toy, he has to fight eight other kids to get it.  If he wants an adult's complete attention, he has to outperform the rest of the room, and even then, the attention will be fleeting.  Among other things.  You've all been in a church nursery.  You can imagine the dynamics Caedmon has incorporated into his little view of the world.    

Fast forward to what Caedmon has coming to him.  He'll wake up one normal day, and find that we have returned for him.  And everything about his life is going to be violently taken away.  See, he likes his orphanage life right now, and he will not appreciate us taking it away from him.  We won't smell or sound or look familiar to him.  He won't understand why we have taken him or where we're going.  It will be exhausting, scary, and probably a lot of other things.  If you've ever traveled to another country where you were given a good strong dose of culture shock, think of that (only multiplied by 100, since you're an adult and know how to reason through it).

Caedmon's "Gotcha Day" is probably going to feel like a kidnapping.  He doesn't know there's a happy ending.  And for a 17 month old, he has been shuffled around enough to know trauma when it comes for him.

When we get home, we are going to be very focused on doing everything we can to foster Caedmon's bonding and attachment.  Not only do we have to get to know one another, but we have to day by day prove to Caedmon that we love him and that he can trust us to take care of him.  We need to become a source of healing for our son, and that is going to absorb all of our time and energy.  Even though Caedmon is no longer an orphan, his heart will be tempted to continue operating like one.  

 Because of this, we're going to be hibernating for a while.  What I really want to do is throw a giant party and invite every person who has loved and supported and prayed for us during this process.  I want to drink punch and talk too loudly and let every one of you hold my son.  But out of love and protection for Caedmon, we can't do that.  

All that to say, if you'd like to stop by our house in the next few months, we're open to short visits.  We're definitely open to prayer, cards, calls, and meals.  But we will most likely not be introducing Caedmon to giant crowds or new places for a while.  We're also going to be the only ones who hold, feed, and change diapers for 99% of the time (the other 1% allowed to Grandmas and desperate sisters in law only).  The point of it all is to prove to Caedmon that we are not more nannies on shifts - we are his parents forever.  


We hope you will understand, support, and pray for our cocooning process.  After a couple months we will hopefully be able to introduce Caedmon to more complex social situations without distress and confusion.    

If you'd like to read more about attachment, you can read these excellent posts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Or this hilarious post by Jen Hatmaker.